It is often harder to forgive ourselves than others

by Shauna Millar | Jun 18, 2021 | encouragement, forgiveness

The dictionary defines forgiveness as “The action or process of forgiving or being forgiven.”  The term “forgive” is defined as “stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw or mistake.”

“To cease to feel resentment against an offender: pardon (forgive) one’s enemies. To give up resentment of or claim to requital; to forgive an insult; to grant relief from a payment or debt.”

When we talk about forgiveness, we should also look at the reasons why we need to forgive.

Wow. By forgiving others, I can receive forgiveness.

Often, we are fighting our flesh when it comes to forgiveness. Someone has hurt us, but they are either unaware or they don’t feel as if they have done anything wrong. Therefore, they feel under no obligation to apologize or even ask for forgiveness. When someone does us wrong, we need to learn to forgive them WITHOUT trying to force them to ask us for it. We need to learn to forgive without requiring an admission of guilt; for our own benefit.

It is nice for someone to realize they have hurt or offended us. It doesn’t mean that they always will. We are encouraged to approach the person who we feel has offended us in order to seek reconciliation and give forgiveness. Yet, it isn’t a requirement of forgiveness. Even in my own life experience, I have made mention to family members when they have hurt me; yet they didn’t see it as an offense. They were “doing the best they could”. I had to forgive them for my OWN benefit.

There may be times when we are, without realizing it, the offender. Learning to forgive the offender doesn’t mean forgetting the offense. However, we can grow from these experiences.

If you touch a hot stove, the chances are you won’t touch it again.

When you get burnt – the initial feeling is of shock. Burns take time to heal, and you can feel the pain long after the initial contact has been made. Even after the pain fades, there is often a remnant that remains; sometimes a scar that will brand you for the rest of your life. What you take away from the experience is what matters.

Do you avoid teaching others what happens when you touch something hot? Do you teach others how to avoid being burned? Can you help someone live with the pain and learn to accept living with the scars? Can you learn from the experiences of others who have experienced it?

Life events can change who we are at a fundamental level. They can also change how we deal with not only things, but people. Whether we reach out or withdraw. If we are willing to open up or if we shut down. There are so many factors that can affect the way we react. Yet, even when those things are self-inflicted; like touching an open flame – we need to learn how to forgive and move forward.

Forgiving ourselves can be much harder than forgiving others.

We are our biggest critics. Even those people you think have it “all together” don’t. Every person seems to have the innate ability to find their tiniest flaw and criticize themselves for it. Just some people may be able to not only hide it better but find self-acceptance easier. The fact is that we all are flawed. We get down on ourselves for bad choices we make, for physical attributes, for something that we “could have done better”, for missed opportunities, for failed relationships. There are so many ways we can “fail”.

However, by learning to forgive ourselves we can learn to truly forgive others. By accepting ourselves, we can learn to really accept others.

“Love they neighbor as thyself” – while it seems like a simple quote, the truth is that the complexity of genuinely loving ourselves can be one of the most difficult things to do. How can you love others if you can’t even love yourself? In today’s society, there has been an ongoing bullying phenomenon, especially targeting our youth. Children taunting other children to the point of kids thinking they are SO flawed they end their own lives.

We need to teach our children self-acceptance and self-worth. This is a practice that begins at home. We need to teach our children they are important. That they matter. That no matter what the situation is that they can speak to us. As Christians we need to do more to help save our children and our families. We need to recognize the enemy is ‘on the job’ – stealing, killing, and destroying.

The fact is that most bullies have been bullied by someone else. Whether it was another child, a sibling, a parent, a teacher, or someone else in a position of authority over their lives. Rather than being taught and learning how to deal with it, they turn these actions against others. It is an ineffective way of making themselves feel better. What they are really doing is making themselves, so they are not alone in their pain. That their self-worth is equal to someone else’s. If that person they bully commits suicide, they feel that they were just stronger. That the person should have been stronger too.  Or they could see it as an example of a way out.

We need to forgive ourselves for not being an example.

It is easy to make excuses. It is easy to find a reason for allowing all this to happen. The reasons we give ourselves can be endless. It doesn’t stop us from looking for the opportunity to make sure we are open to helping. That if we see a someone in need we can intervene. Not only with children. There is no age range that stops us from doing what we need to do. We need to listen to the Holy Spirit and be guided in the direction that God wants us to go. We need to be willing vessels for change. We need to be willing to hear and follow. We may not be the right person for the job; however, we may be part of the process. We may be the one to till the ground or plant the seed. We may be the one to water with a bit of kindness and compassion.

You may never know how you touched someone else’s life. The ripple effect may go on for a long while. When you throw a rock into the lake, and it splashes falling beneath the surface, the ripples it makes come not only to the shore you are standing on, but they go out across the lake. They touch other ripples. They can end up as part of huge waves on the other shore. Touching places and things you will never see. Just know that your life touches others’ lives.

One simple change: forgiving yourself for your mistakes. Whether they are in the past or in the moment. Asking God to forgive you and help you forgive yourself; simple things that are difficult to do. We don’t want to humble ourselves and acknowledge that we are flawed. Yet, we are all sinners and have fallen short. It is why it is so very important to have Christ in our lives.

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

– Colossians 3:12-13

Forgiveness is not a weakness; it’s a strength.